21 replies to this topic

[ChloesCritters]

How do i begin this...

Lets call my sister unicorn. My sister is _ years old. She throws lots of tantrums and i don't mean small ones i mean big ones. She keeps blaming everything on my mom, my brother who is younger than my sister and occasionally me. She also has problems with school. 

 

My sister  usually doesn't like to eat unless its her favourite foods. Almost everyday, my mom has to get mad at her until she eats. Today, she had lesson and she was 30 minutes late i believe. Whenever unicorn throws a tantrum she blames it on my mom. Like one time she didn't shower and started saying it was her fault and that she doesn't love her and spends more time with my younger brother. Then,if we scold her she will throw an even bigger tantrum. My mom tried banning her from doing stuff but she stills continues to do so. My dad and grandparents blame her for a lot of this because of her.  The thing is my mom didn't do anything wrong and sacrificed a lot of stuff. 

 

Just wanted to  add that she is jealous of me and my brother because "we get more attention".

 

Unicorn never wants to do her school work often times when my mom gets mad she will throw another tantrum. Last week,I was cleaning Pancakes (shared hamster) cage and she didn't want to help a bit.  She never wants to do her responsibilities.

 

 

Its so stressful i just cant take it-

 

Advice would be appreciated

Edited by ChloesCritters, 23 November 2021 - 09:21 PM.

[Kikya]

Your sister sounds like she has a lot of issues and to be honest, the only person that can put a stop to her behavior is your parents. In my opinion, your sister is trying to manipulate your whole family into doing whatever she wants. People that manipulate others often try to shift the blame on other people so you feel bad and do what they want.

 

Whatever is wrong with your sister will only be fixed, when your mother no longer allows the behavior and stands up to the manipulation. I don't want to be nosy but if your father is around, fathers tend to be less influenced by guilt tripping on the part of children, your father needs to stand up to your sister's behavior too and support your mother.

 

If you mom isn't capable of standing up to your sister, then she needs to get professional help. Guilt is a powerful emotion and maybe your mother feels like she's being a bad mother (not saying she is) and is letting her guilt run all over her. Mother guilt, in my opinion, is the most powerful of all the guilt and it's VERY hard to get over. (been there, done that, got the t shirt)

 

My advice to you is, don't take blame for things you didn't do. Don't let your sister guilt trip you. You aren't doing anything wrong by existing. You aren't doing anything wrong if your mother gives you attention, that's normal and what she should be doing. Ask your parents for some professional help for your family. If she isn't capable of doing that, talk to a school counselor and see if she has any resources for you.

[♥️fluffy♥️]

Hello, in my opinion this just sounds like a little girl, you have said she is younger than you and that you are 9/10, I imagine she may be around 5-9 possibly younger. I can totally relate to you, as I child I myself used to do some those things and so did my siblings and many friends. Little children are stubborn no doubt, they are easily aggravated and often get jealous of older siblings. You can't really do anything to stop it, it should wear of as she gets older, thankfully not everlasting. 

 

I can totally relate from past experiences, I know how frustrating it can be, but it does happen to a lot of small children, I don't think it's very serious in my opinion.

 

I hope all get sorted out, please reach out to your school or counselor if stress is too much for you to handle.

 

Edit: Kikya had a very different points some of which I agree with, I don't think she has a real problem unless she is an older child in my opinion. But your parents should be doing things to help and stop her behavior maybe you could sit down and have a chat about it?

 

Hope I didn't sound rude!     

Edited by ♥️fluffy♥️, 23 November 2021 - 10:45 PM.

[TellDontTell]

are you able to get close to your sister? you should start by understanding her mentality  and why she does things,  this can be really useful. Personally I guilt trip my own sister, this is not a good technique long term but it works to teach a lesson, (Sometimes, if she already guilt trips you, you shouldn’t guilt trip often.

 

When I say understanding her mentality I don’t mean agreeing with it, If you’re able to talk casually you should first act like you “agree” but it’s really useful if you could say her age, say baby to toddler, child,preteen or is she a teenager? if your wary of telling her true age you can start with that.

 

its a long process but maybe you can try a civilized argument and present your argument in a way in which it makes sense or resonates to “unicorn’s” way of thinking. use what she believes in against her. If she claims to love the hamster, if she has a sense of care towards it emphasize the fact that, ; if she loves the hamster for real, why doesnt she do anything for it?or “its our hamster but I guess its mine since you dont really care or do much for it” make sure to be respectful like you’re at her level. instead of acting on a moral high ground, point things out. Maybe she thinks you get more attention because you “seem”. more important. you need to really get down to her level and really understand her for any of this to work efficiently. Please don’t take my advice too seriously though, I’m no mental doctor or a dedicated smarty pants,I’m just giving out what I know.

Edited by TellDontTell, 23 November 2021 - 10:33 PM.

[ChloesCritters]

are you able to get close to your sister? you should start by understanding her mentality  and why she does things,  this can be really useful. Personally I guilt trip my own sister, this is not a good technique long term but it works to teach a lesson.

 

When I say understanding her mentality I don’t mean agreeing with it, If you’re able to talk casually you should first act like you “agree” but it’s really useful if you could say her age, say baby to toddler, child,preteen or is she a teenager? if your wary of telling her true age you can start with that.

 

its a long process but maybe you can try a civilized argument and present your argument in a way in which it makes sense or resonates to “unicorn’s” way of thinking. use what she believes in against her. If she claims to love the hamster, if she has a sense of care towards it emphasize the fact that, ; if she loves the hamster for real, why doesnt she do anything for it?or “its our hamster but I guess its mine since you dont really care or do much for it” make sure to be respectful like you’re at her level. instead of acting on a moral high ground, point things out. Maybe she thinks you get more attention because you “seem”. more important. you need to really get down to her level and really understand her for any of this to work efficiently. Please don’t take my advice too seriously though, I’m no phycologist or a dedicated smarty pants,I’m just giving out what I know.

child below 10 yet above 3

[♥️fluffy♥️]

child below 10 yet above 3

That's a big age gap, four and nine year olds are very different mentally and physically are you able to narrow the age gap? if this is is say a nine year old, the I'd say she has a problem that needs to be discussed with your parents, but say it is a four year old then it is probably that she is just still young and doesn't understand things correctly.

[Iszie]

I agree with Kikya, your sister does appear to be manipulative. But there's a reason behind this, and that's why I'm adding my thoughts into this.

 

Your sister has very intense emotions. And a very busy brain. Imagine her brain like many spools of thread. These many spools are connected by only one long piece of thread - her thought stream. The spools are topics of thought. One of these spools, schoolwork, has only one loop of thread around it. Whereas another, love and attention from your mom, has a whole tangled mess of thread around it. Or you can imagine her brain as a torch/flashlight. Only the topic of love and attention from your mom is lit up by this flashlight.

 

Younger children have trouble with perspective, and they tend to only take themselves into consideration. Our brains are very manipulative, and can make things seem worse than they are. This isn't just common in children, many teenagers and even adults go through this from time to time. It's just that most teenagers and adults are more skilled in controlling their emotions and shifting perspective. If you think carefully we've all been in the situation before without realising it. Have you ever felt extremely upset about something, and then a day later it doesn't bother you at all? For example, you got 81% in a math test, which was the worst in your class. You feel really upset that you got the worst in the class, at the time. But then a few hours later you shift your perspective and realise that you got over 80%, which is what you needed. It's not only shifting perspective with other people, but you also need to learn at a young age to shift perspective on how you look at things. Now about people; If you put lots of effort into a subject, but the teacher doesn't recognise this effort and goes to praise your schoolmate who didn't try so hard, you'll end up not liking the teacher. However, it might just be because the teacher is stressed and tired, with so many students in the classroom they can't focus on everyone individually. We just shifted the perspective. Perhaps you might feel less angry about the situation, and you possibly feel empathy for the teacher.

 

Now that we've learned a bit about the brain, how is this linked to your sister? Your sister is extremely wound up on one thought of her mom hating her. There might have been a slight pointer that set off the trigger, but her brain has manipulated her into thinking it's a lot worse than it truly is. Everything is so tangled she's having real difficulty shifting her perspective, causing her to blame everything on your mom. All of this chaos occurring in her brain is causing her emotional system to get so overwhelmed that it 'explodes', causing these intense tantrums and bad behaviour. Your mom scolding her is only feeding her anger, so the tantrums will last longer and get more intense. It’s also ‘evidence’ for her brain to think her mom doesn’t love her. 

 

So now we know all this, what do we do next? It’s got to the stage where it will be difficult and will take a while to completely sort things out, but it still can happen. This is probably really challenging for your mom too, so we need to find a way that benefits both of them. Next time your sister is throwing a tantrum or behaving badly, ask your mom not to say anything. To step away and let the emotions cool down by themselves. Next time your sister refuses to eat something, let her calm down first before solving the problem. Then she’ll be in a better situation to accept new ideas. If she agrees to even having a tiny nibble, praise her. Ask your mom to spend more time with her. They can read a book together, draw a picture. If they argue, step in and be the person to remind them to take time from each other. Ask her to do 10 minutes schoolwork at a time, with short breaks in-between. Make cleaning the cage something fun, instead of a chore. Turn it into a game. Positive reinforcement is key, but balance it with firmness too. You need to teach her to be respectful, and shift perspective. But you must do the same. Remind her about how your mom is feeling, but don't act as if you're all above her. Act as if she's equally as important in the family. Invite her to do things with you instead of telling her. Invite her to clean the cage. Therefore she'll feel more welcomed, and the positive emotions will help balance her thoughts.

 

I’m so sorry for the essay, and the waffling, but I hope it helps!

Edited by Iszie, 23 November 2021 - 11:42 PM.

[ChloesCritters]

Thanks everyone! this really helped me

[ChloesCritters]

Hello, in my opinion this just sounds like a little girl, you have said she is younger than you and that you are 9/10, I imagine she may be around 5-9 possibly younger. I can totally relate to you, as I child I myself used to do some those things and so did my siblings and many friends. Little children are stubborn no doubt, they are easily aggravated and often get jealous of older siblings. You can't really do anything to stop it, it should wear of as she gets older, thankfully not everlasting. 

 

I can totally relate from past experiences, I know how frustrating it can be, but it does happen to a lot of small children, I don't think it's very serious in my opinion.

 

I hope all get sorted out, please reach out to your school or counselor if stress is too much for you to handle.

 

Edit: Kikya had a very different points some of which I agree with, I don't think she has a real problem unless she is an older child in my opinion. But your parents should be doing things to help and stop her behavior maybe you could sit down and have a chat about it?

 

Hope I didn't sound rude!     

wait what wrong with being the older child................

[♥️fluffy♥️]

wait what wrong with being the older child................

I never said there is something wrong with being an older child, I meant since she is not an older child meaning she is still young; I don’t think it is a huge problem and should wear off when she gets older, I didn’t mean “there is something wrong with being the older child”.

[Kikya]

I never said there is something wrong with being an older child, I meant since she is not an older child meaning she is still young; I don’t think it is a huge problem and should wear off when she gets older, I didn’t mean “there is something wrong with being the older child”.

I respectfully disagree. If a child hasn't figured out by age 5 that throwing tantrums is not an appropriate way to respond or communicate, that child is developmentally behind. Sure, children do occasionally have an issue but for this to be persistent and common, there is something wrong.

 

Socialization for a child should be mostly complete by age 5, because after that the child's brain and development slows down significantly (compared to the first 5 years). The first 5 years of life is critical for children to learn impulse control, control over their emotions and the proper ways to communicate. To not learn these things causes problems for children in more ways than just annoying their siblings, it also causes them to be rejected by society, having a hard time making and keeping friendships, and generally being rejected by adults who should be teaching them valuable life skills (not just their parents). It's the parents job to make their child understand that behavior like that is not acceptable and to learn self control.

 

Unless her sibling is less than 5, she's not acting in a developmentally appropriate way. She mentioned she's in school so obviously, she's older than 5.

 

The longer her parents wait to teach her these lessons the more likely she is to have behavioral issues for her entire life. It's not easy, it's one of the hardest things about being a parent. Kids don't grow out these things, they grow into them unless your parents put a stop to it.

[♥️fluffy♥️]

I respectfully disagree. If a child hasn't figured out by age 5 that throwing tantrums is not an appropriate way to respond or communicate, that child is developmentally behind. Sure, children do occasionally have an issue but for this to be persistent and common, there is something wrong.

 

Socialization for a child should be mostly complete by age 5, because after that the child's brain and development slows down significantly (compared to the first 5 years). The first 5 years of life is critical for children to learn impulse control, control over their emotions and the proper ways to communicate. To not learn these things causes problems for children in more ways than just annoying their siblings, it also causes them to be rejected by society, having a hard time making and keeping friendships, and generally being rejected by adults who should be teaching them valuable life skills (not just their parents). It's the parents job to make their child understand that behavior like that is not acceptable and to learn self control.

 

Unless her sibling is less than 5, she's not acting in a developmentally appropriate way. She mentioned she's in school so obviously, she's older than 5.

 

The longer her parents wait to teach her these lessons the more likely she is to have behavioral issues for her entire life. It's not easy, it's one of the hardest things about being a parent. Kids don't grow out these things, they grow into them unless your parents put a stop to it.

I mentioned before that is was my personal opinion, I never stated it was a fact.

 

(I bolded it above in the previous reply “in my opinion”)

Edited by ♥️fluffy♥️, 24 November 2021 - 11:33 PM.

[Kikya]

I mentioned before that is was my personal opinion, I never stated it was a fact.

 

(I bolded it above in the previous reply “in my opinion”)

I know! *HUGS*

[ChloesCritters]

PANIK MY SISTER MY HAVE SEEN THIS.....

[IsAnyoneThere]

I respectfully disagree. If a child hasn't figured out by age 5 that throwing tantrums is not an appropriate way to respond or communicate, that child is developmentally behind. Sure, children do occasionally have an issue but for this to be persistent and common, there is something wrong.

 

Socialization for a child should be mostly complete by age 5, because after that the child's brain and development slows down significantly (compared to the first 5 years). The first 5 years of life is critical for children to learn impulse control, control over their emotions and the proper ways to communicate. To not learn these things causes problems for children in more ways than just annoying their siblings, it also causes them to be rejected by society, having a hard time making and keeping friendships, and generally being rejected by adults who should be teaching them valuable life skills (not just their parents). It's the parents job to make their child understand that behavior like that is not acceptable and to learn self control.

 

Unless her sibling is less than 5, she's not acting in a developmentally appropriate way. She mentioned she's in school so obviously, she's older than 5.

 

The longer her parents wait to teach her these lessons the more likely she is to have behavioral issues for her entire life. It's not easy, it's one of the hardest things about being a parent. Kids don't grow out these things, they grow into them unless your parents put a stop to it.

 

I disagree, a child aged 5 and above may have most of their impulse control etc. sorted, but it's certainly NOT a done deal. Trust me, and talk to a teenager lol. It's not until around 7-8 that they will start to understand properly the link between actions and longer consequences, older than that and they understand it and will use it, but impulse control is still an issue with kids up to even age 25! There's a sort of dip in the middle where they are actually reasonable, but <7 and > 13 are unreasonable xD. So I would say that less than age 5 maybe a kid is having a tantum because the world isn't right for them at that moment. 5 and above, to maybe 10, a kid throwing a tantrum is doing it for effect because they know it will get them, so YES parents need to deal with this, but it's not saying the kid is developmentally impaired and they are certainly not trying to break the family