14 replies to this topic

[Mire ido]

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Edited by mireido, 14 May 2022 - 10:52 PM.

[lil BIG dwarf]

I like it! My only suggestion is, as it’s in the past, make the sentences longer (you can add more details for this) and use a lot of commas/;’s. It’s optional, but in older books I’ve read they tend to have what we would consider run on sentences.

[lilhams~uwu]

This is super interesting !! The only thing I have to say is that dang, does this captain like his crew lol he complimented them twice during a few entries. Also that you forgot a period between "The sky is still a charcoal black " and "The lack of twinkling stars" though that could've just been a copying and pasting error (it happens haha).

[Mire ido]

I like it! My only suggestion is, as it’s in the past, make the sentences longer (you can add more details for this) and use a lot of commas/;’s. It’s optional, but in older books I’ve read they tend to have what we would consider run on sentences.

Thanks for reading! Okay  

 

This is super interesting !! The only thing I have to say is that dang, does this captain like his crew lol he complimented them twice during a few entries. Also that you forgot a period between "The sky is still a charcoal black " and "The lack of twinkling stars" though that could've just been a copying and pasting error (it happens haha).

Thank you!!!! Lol, okay, is it a bit excessive? Ah, yes! Copy and paste... *sigh*

[lilhams~uwu]

Thank you!!!! Lol, okay, is it a bit excessive? Ah, yes! Copy and paste... *sigh*

 

Not excessive, I might limit it down by like one compliment, but it still doesn't really impact the story that much, so it's really your choice.

[midget7]

I really like this! It's hard to write in a formal "dated" way but I think you did a great job. Your writing is engaging, descriptive and well-structured. The way you've conveyed the story through the captain's diary entries is really creative and cleverly done!

 

For prose, it's more normal to write numbers as words. e.g. "five" instead of "5". This is me being nitpicky though! I think you could build on this by giving more details about what the captain and his crew were actually doing out at sea. Maybe also mention more about the captain's thoughts and feelings. Does he feel the pressure of being the captain? Does his crew respect him, or is there conflict? Who is Jane and what is his connection to her? I think the ending would be sadder if we knew more about who he was leaving behind xD (Also, what was the noise he heard in the 2nd entry? My first thought was sirens, and now I'm curious!)

 

If you really want to go all out, you could even do some research on the time period and make some historical references! (obviously I wouldn't expect this if you were writing in an exam though.)

 

I'm guessing you're practising creative writing for gcse? I feel like gcse creative writing is pretty formulaic. You have to try and pack a lot into a short amount of text. My advice is to check off tickboxes in your head in order to get the marks haha:

- similes

- metaphors

- descriptions related to the senses: sight, smell, touch, sound

- pathetic fallacy 

- different forms of punctuation, colons, semi-colons, ellipses (don't overdo ellipses though, can get tedious xD)

- varying sentence and paragraph lengths

etc.

 

You did use a lot of these! Maybe you were aware of it, or maybe you did it subconsiously with your natural writing talent ;) But I wanted to point these things out so you can intentionally include them.

 

When I did my gcse I struggled with using ambitious vocab. My advice for this is to read books you enjoy, and note down any words that are new to you. Learn their meanings and see if you can include them in your writing!

 

Good luck with your English exams and keep up the great work

[Mire ido]

I really like this! Thanks so much <33  I really love your story tooooo (a hamster is a girl's best friend)! I got hooked and then binge read it and I've had to ban myself from doing the same with the sequel  It's hard to write in a formal "dated" way but I think you did a great job. Thanks again! Your writing is engaging, descriptive and well-structured. The way you've conveyed the story through the captain's diary entries is really creative and cleverly done!

 

For prose, it's more normal to write numbers as words. e.g. "five" instead of "5". Noted! This is me being nitpicky though! I think you could build on this by giving more details about what the captain and his crew were actually doing out at sea.  Maybe also mention more about the captain's thoughts and feelings.  Does he feel the pressure of being the captain? Does his crew respect him, or is there conflict? Who is Jane and what is his connection to her? I think the ending would be sadder if we knew more about who he was leaving behind xD (Also, what was the noise he heard in the 2nd entry? Idek... That's a big issue I need to fix. I need to know! My first thought was sirens, and now I'm curious!) Oof, I'm terrible at telling the reader things   Definitely something to work on. Usually (because of the time limit) I leave a bunch of things unexplained   

 

If you really want to go all out, you could even do some research on the time period and make some historical references! (obviously I wouldn't expect this if you were writing in an exam though.) Exactly what I'm doing   It's so annoying cuz writing these short stories made me realise just how little I know about all these different time periods...

 

I'm guessing you're practising creative writing for gcse? Yup... so much for trying not to tell my age    Have you done them? If so could I pm you? I feel like gcse creative writing is pretty formulaic. Ya, I just always get ideas and then lose track of what I'm writing    Then I don't hit the mark points... You have to try and pack a lot into a short amount of text. I know!   My advice is to check off tickboxes in your head in order to get the marks haha: Ok!

- similes

- metaphors

- descriptions related to the senses: sight, smell, touch, sound

- pathetic fallacy 

- different forms of punctuation, colons, semi-colons, ellipses (don't overdo ellipses though, can get tedious xD)

- varying sentence and paragraph lengths

etc.

 

You did use a lot of these! I try! I don't do it on purpose but when I see a chance I use it (if you know what I mean?) As in I don't write to write in language features, but when I see a chance I use them... Maybe you were aware of it, or maybe you did it subconsiously with your natural writing talent ;) Aww  I do try to add them when I see a chance. I think I don't do enough descriptive writing tho... A bit too story focused! But I wanted to point these things out so you can intentionally include them. 

 

When I did my gcse I struggled with using ambitious vocab. Me too! My advice for this is to read books you enjoy, I do...   and note down any words that are new to you. Okay, I'll do that! Learn their meanings and see if you can include them in your writing! Okay!!!

 

Good luck with your English exams and keep up the great work  Thanks again!   

Thank you so much for your feedback! I really appreciate it! My replies are above in Bold ^^^^

[midget7]

Thank you so much for your feedback! I really appreciate it! My replies are above in Bold ^^^^

Aw thanks for reading HGBF, super impressive you got through the entire thing! I’m glad you enjoyed it! The sequel isn’t quite as binge-able since I’m still posting and I always take ages to update haha.

I’d say it’s ok to leave things open ended and vague, especially when you’re under a time limit. Characterisation and plot are important when you’re writing a long story, but when it’s something short you churn out in an exam, the quality of the writing and the spag are more important imo.

Honestly I feel you with not knowing about time periods. It’s an English exam, not a history exam. It annoyed me that the creative writing tasks would rely on you already having knowledge about random topics. Like, I had a mock once where I had to write about festivals, and I’d never been to one in my life!

A way to practise descriptive writing is to do the classic “describe a photo”. I found that it helps to imagine a bit of a story associated with the photo, so your description has direction, rather than just being a chunk of flowery writing xD but it’s a helpful exercise to get you into “descriptive writing mode”.

I have done (and survived xD) my GCSEs and you’re more than welcome to PM me!

[Mire ido]

Aw thanks for reading HGBF, super impressive you got through the entire thing! I’m glad you enjoyed it! It was soo good though <3 The sequel isn’t quite as binge-able since I’m still posting and I always take ages to update haha. Oooh, I might have to get hooked again then.... ;)

I’d say it’s ok to leave things open ended and vague, especially when you’re under a time limit. Characterisation and plot are important when you’re writing a long story, but when it’s something short you churn out in an exam, the quality of the writing and the spag are more important imo. True true true.

Honestly I feel you with not knowing about time periods. It’s an English exam, not a history exam. It annoyed me that the creative writing tasks would rely on you already having knowledge about random topics. Like, I had a mock once where I had to write about festivals, and I’d never been to one in my life! I know! Since I speak mandarin, I took the mandarin GCSE last year (which I somehow mistook as a mock... but that's a separate story lol) and since I didn't learn the curriculum, and just did the test based on what I know, I was really lucky ig that out of the choices for each exam essay, I was both times able to find one that I could write easily about... whew!

A way to practise descriptive writing is to do the classic “describe a photo”. Ooooooh! That is SUCH a good idea! OMG, I will have to try that!!! Thx!!! I found that it helps to imagine a bit of a story associated with the photo, so your description has direction, rather than just being a chunk of flowery writing xD but it’s a helpful exercise to get you into “descriptive writing mode”. Yes!!! I need to practice my descriptive writing...

I have done (and survived xD) my GCSEs and you’re more than welcome to PM me!  Thanks!!! I will do so

[Tiny Ball Of Fuzz]

deleted

Great job! I won't write about all sorts of fancy things you did like Midget did, but I've read a lot of historical books, and this honestly feels like it could be a part of one of them. Even just the formal style of writing, and the mentions of praying/God that would have been more common in that time period, really make it seem like it's the diary of the captain.

Edited by Tiny Ball Of Fuzz, 14 May 2022 - 11:11 PM.

[Mire ido]

Great job! I won't write about all sorts of fancy things you did like Midget did, but I've read a lot of historical books, and this honestly feels like it could be a part of one of them. Even just the formal style of writing, and the mentions of praying/God that would have been more common in that time period, really make it seem like it's the diary of the captain.

Awwwww! I'm so happy to hear that!!!! I tried my best with my limited knowledge  It seriously means so much to me!   

 

You have reached your quota of positive votes for the day

I really wish I could :(((((

Edited by mireido, 06 September 2021 - 05:29 AM.

[Mire ido]

Great job! I won't write about all sorts of fancy things you did like Midget did, but I've read a lot of historical books, and this honestly feels like it could be a part of one of them. Even just the formal style of writing, and the mentions of praying/God that would have been more common in that time period, really make it seem like it's the diary of the captain.

Hi, how are u?

 

Thank u so much for commenting on my story, i really appreciated it! it's so useful to hear feedback

 

However, would u mind deleting the quote? i've been thinking about it and realised that i don't want my story to be on the internet. Thanks! <3

[Tiny Ball Of Fuzz]

Hi, how are u?

 

Thank u so much for commenting on my story, i really appreciated it! it's so useful to hear feedback

 

However, would u mind deleting the quote? i've been thinking about it and realised that i don't want my story to be on the internet. Thanks! <3

Of course! There, it's gone now. It's nice to see you again though!

[Mire ido]

Of course! There, it's gone now. It's nice to see you again though!

Thank you so much <3 I really appreciate it! Great to see u again too! How r u?

[Tiny Ball Of Fuzz]

Thank you so much <3 I really appreciate it! Great to see u again too! How r u?

I'm good, you?