This might seem kind of crazy or even a little forward, but after discussing with some members of the board, I've decided to put together something that might help the overall morale on HH. I'm not going to claim that I am the most qualified in this material, but I do have extensive real-world experience handling quarrels between different individuals. I hope someone finds this helpful. Happy hamming!
- Ashley
A Guide on Constructive Advice
The first thing I want to say is that all of the tension you find between users of the message board stems from our mutual love of hamsters. We can all agree on one thing, and that's that we love our little family members! Try to keep this in mind whenever you engage with someone you find unfavorable.
Part One: How to Give Constructive Advice
TL;DR: Say something nice before you give advice. Then give your advice, mindful of aggressive language. Finish your post by saying something nice again.So, there are two kinds of constructive feedback, positive (IE: "I love your tank!") and negative (IE: "Your hamster looks sick..."). The trick with these two feedbacks is to combine them.
I'm sure some of you have heard of a critique sandwich. Om nom nom, it's a really effective way to help someone improve! With a critique sandwich, you start by saying something positive. Then, you give negative feedback. Finally, you finish with something positive again.
Here's an example on how to give great constructive advice with a critique sandwich.
POSTER A: "Hi. Here's a picture of my 10 gallon tank and my hamster, Penny. She was so happy with her new mesh wheel toy! I love it because the color matches her other accessories. Isn't she cute?"
Immediately, I'm sure you're thinking of what she's done incorrectly. But in order to give great constructive advice, you need to recognize what she's done well. This will make for an overall more pleasant experience for everyone on HH.
Let's use a critique sandwich to help POSTER A. Postive has been marked in blue, negative is marked in green. For each negative thing said, there is something positive. This helps people to feel less "attacked" when given advice.
POSTER B: "Hi Poster A! Welcome to HH. Penny does look so happy! You say that tank is 10 gallons, right? At HH we recommend 20 gallon long tanks, because the bigger floor space helps hamsters entertain themselves. They live longer and are less aggressive that way. I do love the color of her wheel; it looks great in the cage. Keep in mind that mesh wheels can be dangerous, though -- she could get her toe caught! I really like silent spinners. Anyway, Penny is super cute and I love her coat!"
It's that easy! Something nice, something constructive, something nice again.
Part Two: How to Handle Reactions
TL;DR: If someone gets upset at your advice, re-read your post and decide how you could have worded things more gently if possible. In your reply, provide the other poster with evidence that supports your initial advice and always apologize for any aggressive language you may have inadvertedly used.Sometimes, even if you think you've done well in giving someone awesome constructive advice, they will react poorly. They might get upset, defensive, or even go as far as reporting you to a mod!
If this happens, where's what not to do:
- Engage them immediately! Give yourself AND the other poster an hour or two to cool down.
- Repeat your first post, giving the same advice again, even if worded differently. Saying the same thing over and over helps no one, and could frustrate you and the other poster even more!
- Counter-attack! If someone says, "You have offended me by saying this!" it is not appropriate to say, "You have offended me in return by doing this!" Think instead of ways to resolve the tension, following some of the things detailed below.
- Look at your post. Recognize any offensive language or behavior on your own part. Take responsibility for that and apologize if you did wrong. Were you insensitive? Look at your post CAREFULLY and select the parts you were negative. Re-read them and see if you could have worded it more gently. "Your tank is not big enough. You need to upgrade immediately or your hamster will become aggressive." can be construed as an attack. Suggest a solution and tell them why you are suggesting it. Don't make bald-faced demands; being bossy isn't a great way to help anyone.
- Provide sources for your arguments from your first feedback. If you said they should upgrade their tank to a twenty gallon long, give them a link to an article that details why! Do so kindly, as a matter of explaining. IE: "I can understand the confusion about tanks. I read this article and it really helped me decide on the best overall solution for my hamster: [link]. Check it out and let me know what you think about using a 20 gallon long!"
Also: being right and being nice are not mutually exclusive. "It's their fault they got offended, not mine!" is not an appropriate response; most people don't get upset for absolutely no reason. There are those who do, but you should take time to recognize whether or not you, yourself, has contributed to their behavior.
Part Three: How to Take Constructive Advice
TL;DR: If you are offended by a response, step back. Don't reply immediately. Then decide what specifically you found offensive, and gently point it out to the poster, and suggest how they might improve.If you find yourself offended by something someone says to you on HH, you need to follow a few steps before you reply to them.
1. Step back from the computer for a bit. I'd suggest an hour, but if that won't work for you, at least ten minutes.
2. Come back and re-read the offending post.
2A. Decide whether or not you were being specifically attacked by the user. Was the other user demanding? Did they use offensive language? If not, try to recognize your own sensitivity. No one likes being told they've done something wrong; make sure your reaction isn't just you wanting to be "right".
2B. If you really are made uncomfortable by the other user's post, then proceed.
3. Identify the specific sentences that bothered you.
4. Cut and paste the specific sentences into your reply. Explain what you found offensive in the other user's remarks.
4A. Do not carry on your qualm excessively. One or two sentences to express your feelings should be plenty; an entire paragraph of how upset you are will help no one! Keep it concise and you are much more likely to have a response that understands.
5. If the attack was indeed personal, do not reply and report the behavior to a moderator. I cannot emphasize enough how pointless it is to argue against someone attacking your personal beliefs, your appearance, your age, your gender, your location -- their ignorance is not yours to fix. Let the moderator do their job.
Here's an example that might help you understand the proper way to handle offenses, should you come across any.
POSTER A: "Hi. Here's a picture of my 10 gallon tank and my hamster, Penny. She was so happy with her new mesh wheel toy! I love it because the color matches her other accessories. Isn't she cute?"
POSTER B: "You can't keep your hamster in a 10 gallon tank. It's cruel and careless. You have to have a minimum of a 20 gallon long tank."
Identify where POSTER B offended POSTER A. Specifically, it's cruel and careless implies that POSTER A is malicious, doesn't care for, or is negligent of their pet. In POSTER A's response, she should state what offended her and how it could be improved.
POSTER A: "I did not know HH recommended a 20 gallon long tank. I appreciate you bringing that to my attention. However, it's cruel and careless sounds aggressive and a little unfair and it's upsetting to me that you think I neglect my pet. Maybe instead of triggering language, you could just suggest an improvement. Again, I appreciate your help, and I'll look into a new tank."
If anyone finds themselves in a spat with someone else, feel free to message me to help work things out; I'm happy to mediate. That being said, if the argument is personally offensive, you should always turn to a moderator.
I know this guide isn't flawless and could definitely stand improvement; if you have something to contribute, please reply here! Anything to encourage a healthy dialogue about the happenings of HH, I'm all for.
Thanks for reading!
