3 replies to this topic

[♥~kitkat7♥]

I wanted to change the story name and set it up better ;)

 

 

 

Book cover: https://imgur.com/a/Fc55C6T

Book Song (clean version): brutal

 

Meet the Characters 

 

Gemini: https://imgur.com/a/MiZYYtk

A kind, out spoken, pansexual girl, who loves pandas and iced coffee.

she/they

bff: fleur/vera

issues: dad left as a baby. Alcholic. Just her and her mom.

 

Fleur: https://imgur.com/a/wcuKeEG

Funny, loves movies, animals, anime, art, kpop and is a lesbian.

she/they/them

bff: gemini/vera

(main character)

 

May: https://imgur.com/a/Cfk0EzW

A troubled girl, doesnt get animals are living creatures.

2 years younger than Gemini (younger sister). Gets suspended/in fights a lot.

she/her

issues: anger issues.

 

Vera: https://imgur.com/a/Dpc0xTl

A puzzle solver and a cool aro kid - loves frogs, bubble gum, olivia rodrigo, bts.

she/they/them

bff: gemini, fleur

 

Melanie: https://imgur.com/a/fSUam97

Mean and brave, has lots of family issues.

Loves nature and animals, has a hidden sweet and caring side.

she/her/they

struggles: family issues

 

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Chapter 1:

 

It was finally Saturday.

School was stressful for Fleur.

How was she supposed to handle the rest of 8th grade and high school?

Soon it would be winter break.

Christmas was around the corner.

Her thoughts were interrupted.

"Fleur. Fleur? FLeur!"

She snapped up.

"Yes?!"

"Whats your answer?"

"I..er, what..?"

"Jerry, whats your answer? Fleur, meet me after class."

I just can't wait for this talk, She thought.

 

LATER

---------

"Fleur?" Her mom asked.

"Is that you?"

"Hi mom"

"Sooo....your teacher called me. You aren't paying attention in school."

"m'k?" "Your missing important info in class!"

"Sorry. I'll be better." Fleur said, walking off.

"Wher-" "I'll be back later. I am going to see Gem."

"Be back before dinner."

"k"

[ChloesCritters]

m o r e

[HamHamha]

Can we have more plssssssss?

[Iszie]

Nice ideas!

 

I hope you won't mind if I give a few tips.

 

Spoiler

 

1. Don't start a new line for each sentence. Your right in starting a new line for a different person's speech, but usually writers wouldn't with normal sentences.

 

Option 1:

"It was finally Saturday.

School was stressful for Fleur."

 

Correction: 'I was finally Saturday. School was stressful for Fleur.'

 

Short sentences are effective, but you don't need to start a new line. 

 

2. Punctuation variety.

 

Option 1: 'It was finally Saturday. School was stressful for Fleur. How was she supposed to handle the rest of 8th grade and high school? Soon it would be winter break. Christmas was around the corner. Her thoughts were interrupted.'

 

Correction: 'It was finally Saturday. School was stressful for Fleur; how was she supposed to handle the rest of 8th grade and high school? Soon it would be winter break - Christmas was around the corner. Her thoughts were interrupted.'

 

The Correction looks and sounds better, in my opinion.

 

3. Speech. You don't need to start a new line for speech if the same person is talking.

 

Option 1: 

"Fleur?" Her mom asked.

"Is that you?"

 

Correction: "Fleur?" Her mom asked. "Is that you?"

 

However if it's a different person speaking you should start a new line.

 

Option 1: "m'k?" "Your missing important info in class!"

 

Correction:

"Okay?" (it's not an issue for you to use m'k, I just prefer okay)

"You're missing important information in class!" (again, I prefer information)

 

4. Grammar/Spelling. Don't worry, everyone's made grammar mistakes in  there  their life. However it's definitely something to improve.

 

Option 1: "Your missing important info in class!" (Your = possessive. A correct use of your: Your hamster is adorable!)

 

Correction: "You're missing important information in class!" (You're = You are)

 

Option 2: "Whats your answer?"

 

Correction: "What's your answer?" (What's = What is)

 

---------------------------------------------------

 

So how would I have written this chapter? Let's see.

(Disclaimer: I'm not trying to make you copy my writing style, this is just as a reference. You do you!)

 

It was finally Saturday. School was stressful for Fleur; how was she supposed to handle the rest of 8th grade and high school? Soon it would be winter break - Christmas was around the corner. Her thoughts were interrupted.

   "Fleur? Fleur? Fleur?!"

She snapped up.

   "Yes?!"

   "Whats your answer?"

   "I... er... what?"

The teacher shook her head disapprovingly, turning to Jerry. 

   "Jerry, what's your answer? Oh and Fleur, meet me after class."

I just can't wait for this talk, she thought.

 

"Fleur?" Her mom called. "Is that you?"

   "Hi mom." 

Her mom sighed, clearly disappointed.

   "Your teacher called me. You haven't been paying attention in school."

   "Okay?" Fleur shrugged.

   "Your missing important info in class!"

  "Sorry. I'll be better." Fleur said, walking off.

   "Wher-" Her mom started, although she was quickly cut off by Fleur.

   "I'll be back later. I am going to see Gem." 

   "Be back before dinner." 

   "Okay." 

 

Even with the corrections it still looks slightly off. Perhaps describe things more, and use a bit less dialogue. 

 

 

So yes, sorry for the essay. Don't worry about the mistakes, they're only small and I too make mistakes! I hope this is helpful to you. 

Edited by Iszie, 15 November 2021 - 01:35 AM.